When I left home to travel the world never in a million years did I think I wouldn’t ever return. It honestly didn’t cross my mind that it was even the remotest possibility. I was full of excitement and adventure, yearning for something different.
But now many, many years later, with my own young family, I am yearning for that old familiarity, the closeness of family and oldest friends.
I wake up and wonder how I got here.
Of course I know exactly how I got here – through choices made and made deliberately. I really don’t regret them. I love my little family dearly and with passion. They are my life.
I really have nothing to complain about, we live in a nice house, in a nice city, in a nice country. My husband earns a decent salary and works BLOODY hard to provide for us, enough so that I can work part-time. We are healthy in body (mostly healthy in mind!), the kids go to great schools, we go on nice holidays. We love each other. We are a team.
So why am I writing this through tears?
Last year my husband was asked to submit his CV for a possible “head hunting” opportunity in my home town. So for the past 10 months we have lived in limbo, waiting for the process to happen. A dream come true…
To go home! To live somewhere we both love, to be close to my parents, my siblings and their families, my cousins, aunts, uncles, my oldest and dearest friends and all their kids!! My kids can grow up knowing their cousins and their grandparents. Where the cost of living is cheaper, nice houses are affordable!
We made plans, we dreamed.
It was tantalizingly close. I could taste it.
With one phone call yesterday it evaporated.
Gone. Just like that.
I feel like someone has died. Then I feel stupid and selfish that I am so upset when we have so much. When others are going through REAL turmoil, REAL problems.
But I can’t help myself. I guess I am grieving for my/our lost dream. Possibly our one and only chance for it to become a reality.
And I am lonely, not alone, not without a few very awesome friends, but I am lonely. The friends I have made here don’t live close by, we see each other probably once every couple of months. But I can’t quite get out of my head how I always thought it would be… friends up the road, in the next suburb… our kids play while we talk loudly over each other like we used to do on the school lawn. Dropping in unannounced and you don’t care that the house looks like a bomb has hit it because you have known each other forever and know they won’t judge you. Family close by to call on if something has come up and you can’t make school pickup on time, or when you are so sick you can’t get out of bed and need Mum to come by and cook a lamb roast. Instant baby sitters that mean you can have a regular date-night with your husband with out having to remortgage the house to pay for other sitters. Girls’ nights out! All of these things are missing from my life and it makes me sad because I took all of it for granted.
I don’t find it particularly easy to make new friends, I find it hard to let people in, to break down the walls…
You may wonder why we just can’t go anyway. I wish it was that simple. My husband has a very specialized job, not something you can just hope comes up where you want to live. You really have to wait for the job to come up first. And it is highly competitive as we have just found out, even though he was initially “head hunted”.
So what now?
I guess we get on with life. Pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. Make more of an effort and appreciate what we do have.
Make a new dream.
The author is known to us here at LDM, but has chosen to remain anonymous.
Can you relate? What are your dreams?