When Dreams Die

| September 26, 2013 | 7 Comments

When Dreams Die

When I left home to travel the world never in a million years did I think I wouldn’t ever return. It honestly didn’t cross my mind that it was even the remotest possibility. I was full of excitement and adventure, yearning for something different.

But now many, many years later, with my own young family, I am yearning for that old familiarity, the closeness of family and oldest friends.

I wake up and wonder how I got here.

Of course I know exactly how I got here – through choices made and made deliberately. I really don’t regret them. I love my little family dearly and with passion. They are my life.

I really have nothing to complain about, we live in a nice house, in a nice city, in a nice country. My husband earns a decent salary and works BLOODY hard to provide for us, enough so that I can work part-time. We are healthy in body (mostly healthy in mind!), the kids go to great schools, we go on nice holidays. We love each other. We are a team.

So why am I writing this through tears?

Last year my husband was asked to submit his CV for a possible “head hunting” opportunity in my home town. So for the past 10 months we have lived in limbo, waiting for the process to happen. A dream come true…

To go home! To live somewhere we both love, to be close to my parents, my siblings and their families, my cousins, aunts, uncles, my oldest and dearest friends and all their kids!! My kids can grow up knowing their cousins and their grandparents. Where the cost of living is cheaper, nice houses are affordable!

We made plans, we dreamed.

It was tantalizingly close. I could taste it.

With one phone call yesterday it evaporated.

Gone. Just like that.

Pfft.

I feel like someone has died. Then I feel stupid and selfish that I am so upset when we have so much. When others are going through REAL turmoil, REAL problems.

But I can’t help myself. I guess I am grieving for my/our lost dream. Possibly our one and only chance for it to become a reality.

And I am lonely, not alone, not without a few very awesome friends, but I am lonely. The friends I have made here don’t live close by, we see each other probably once every couple of months. But I can’t quite get out of my head how I always thought it would be… friends up the road, in the next suburb… our kids play while we talk loudly over each other like we used to do on the school lawn. Dropping in unannounced and you don’t care that the house looks like a bomb has hit it because you have known each other forever and know they won’t judge you. Family close by to call on if something has come up and you can’t make school pickup on time, or when you are so sick you can’t get out of bed and need Mum to come by and cook a lamb roast. Instant baby sitters that mean you can have a regular date-night with your husband with out having to remortgage the house to pay for other sitters. Girls’ nights out! All of these things are missing from my life and it makes me sad because I took all of it for granted.

I don’t find it particularly easy to make new friends, I find it hard to let people in, to break down the walls…

You may wonder why we just can’t go anyway. I wish it was that simple. My husband has a very specialized job, not something you can just hope comes up where you want to live. You really have to wait for the job to come up first. And it is highly competitive as we have just found out, even though he was initially “head hunted”.

So what now?

I guess we get on with life. Pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off. Make more of an effort and appreciate what we do have.

Make a new dream.

The author is known to us here at LDM, but has chosen to remain anonymous.

Can you relate? What are your dreams?

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Comments (7)

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  1. emma k says:

    wow, it’s like you typed my own thoughts! The first 5 paragraphs perfectly sum up my feelings about being so away from home. I hope a new dream emerges and turns out to be even better than the opportunity you missed this time round 🙂

  2. MJ says:

    My own situation is more low-key, I think, but I can certainly empathise with the situation. 🙂 Every dream counts, and it’s not wrong to mourn one that passes out of reach, but it’s good to remember that new dreams can grow to become just as precious.

  3. Vegemitevix says:

    I know these feelings so very well. I’ve lived that life for years at a time. The only thing I can suggest is to think about your current life and jobs and roles and ask yourselves whether something needs to change so that you are both happy. Life is really too short to stay living somewhere because of a job. Sacrificing being vitally alive is too big a sacrifice in my mind. Kia Kaha Vix x

  4. AB says:

    Never give up on your dreams, you never know what is around the corner.

  5. MRK8 says:

    Sorry to hear – I too lost my dream this year, though it was the reverse. My husband was headhunted for a position away from home – it was our chance for a nicer life, in my dream country, an exciting change from our mundane everyday existence. And a chance to get out of debt, big time. And when it fell through I felt empty.

    But I guess after hearing your story perhaps the grass is greener on the other side.

    Together we are working on new dreams. They may not be as exciting or life-changing, but who said dreams had to be big! Good luck.

  6. Mary says:

    “Make a new dream.” Thanks for this reminder that I overlook often especially when there are setbacks along the way.

  7. I love the whole idea of giving other writers/bloggers a chance to share private struggles anonymously! Thanks Nicky, this is awesome.
    I feel for the author – I have some dear friends who are stuck in a country they don’t want to be in for reasons outside their control. We long for them to return. they long to return. We keep hoping.
    I hope one day the dream will come true, and that in the meantime you can find other, more local mini-dreams to keep you going
    x

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